#1

my only concern is my mother outliving me right now..
i told some heads this, and they said that's messed up
i don't get how..but alright.


she was 37 when she had me
she lived 36 full years before i was even thought of..
she knows what life was like before i got here, rii?
so, she should have no problem livin' life without me..again.
t'is my theorem.


then on the other side..
i dont have any children of my own, like most dumb slores around or of my age, so i can't really speak from personal experience
but,
if i ever were to have children, which isn't happening, i'd love them..surely..no matter what.
since i don't have them though, i can't speak on whether or not i'd be the same if they were to die before i did
which is where i'm stuck

i don't want my moms to be completely distraught
but i, myself don't want to be completely distraught either

maybe that's what the people i told were thinking about..
how'd my moms feel.

but yo,
ever since i got here, my moms has been there.
i've spent 70% of my life around her.
when she goes on vacations, to atlantic city, or to her friend's houses for longer than 48 hours, it feels weird in the crib.

she's never babied me, which is also weird, considering i feel this way

i don't know..

i'm quite anxious to get out of here and go away to college..far away
but i'm scared that when i come bacc home, she won't be here

and man
i'm just not ready for that.

i don't believe that there's anything such as god..ANY god..
i'm not sure who put us here
i'm not really sure of anything pertaining to the mystery that is life itself
but,
if there is such a being
i'm asking them, right now, to take me first.

quixotic..

i think i have a little crush on shorty..
i'm probably too gay for her. lol.
i barely know her. i mean..i've chilled with her..for a day. nothing major happened though.
she probably thinks i'm some lame, or some bum ass, like all the other chicks assume.
t'is what i get for not caring about what others think of my so-called style, i guess.

yo, no stalker shit, i constantly find myself HOPING that we end up on the same elevator and she starts talking to me.

i feel like the only loser.
blahhh.

she has a man, anyway, i think.


why do i always crush on the unavailable?

i need a girlfriend b..

what's wrong with me?

i've been feelin' real low lately..and i didn't know what the fuck was going on with me..
it wasn't until i read Damage by A.M. Jenkins that i realized, damn i'm fucked up.
the way the book was written, in perspective of the main character, hit home all too well
as i was reading, i keep thinkin' to my self THAT'S ME, that's how i feel ALL THE TIME.
for those, who might've never read Damage, it's a story of a teenage boy that doesn't feel anything towards anybody, and he doesn't really know why. i don't wanna spoil the book for anyone who might want to read it, so i'll leave it there.
but i feel exactly like him.
i feel nothing..at all.
it's gotten so bad that i was thinkin' about ending it all the other day.
i kept thinkin' of ways to do it..thinkin' about how people would react in school..at home..in the streets..i didn't care though, JUST LIKE dude in the book.
i didn't care about who'd find me, i didn't care about anything, i just wanted to end it all.
i still feel crazy empty inside. but i don't want to die..i never did..i just want this feeling to escape me, i want to feel human again, feel me?

i'm sayin'..

i mean, this is me man..


i'm no newbie to this bloggin' thing..but my old shiz, Diary X, got shut down, LJ is ass to me, and i don't know of any other joints like this, so here i am..

so uh, sit bacc, relax, and maybe drop a comment or two every now and again..